How to Host Your Own Badass Bariloche Bovine Bonanza
|Written by Kobus on April 02, 2013|
Start: February 28, Bariloche
It was nearly two months ago when we began planning what was to become the first annual Badass Bariloche Bovine Bonanza. Emails were sent, facebook messages posted, twitter feeds spammed. Overlander all-calls sent There's gonna be a party in Bariloche!
Maybe it was the time of year, or the location, or the fact that totally famous people were going to arrive (Yes, Luis Enrique Getter was there). Nine different rigs turned up, 24 hungry people, some on their way north, others south. Even Stephan and Swantje, who had less than 10 days to get to Montevideo to catch a flight home. Crazy, yes. Epic, absolutely.
And so, rather than recounting this event in it's fully glory, we've decided it's better to make an instruction manual for all of those en-route. May the Badass Bariloche Bovine Bonaza live on, forever!
STEP 1: Appoint "La Jefa". Give her a FOX 40 whistle, clipboard and ultimate scheduling power. She will make sign-up sheets that most people will ignore and delegate tasks that probably won't get done. But that's ok, someone has to keep the hooligans in line.
STEP 2: Take over the campground. Negotiate lower rate for all involved. Convince the owner to let you dig a giant hole in their otherwise beautifully manicured property so you can roast three large chunks of meat. Pro tip: It helps if the owner thinks that "la jefa's" husband is a tour guide and all the vehicles are part of a caravan.
STEP 3: Locate the meat wholesale shop, you know the guy who ships 1.9 metric tons of beef each day. Order stupid amounts of meat, pile in the back of whoever's rig has the most space.
Pro tip: When in Bariloche go here: S41 07.697 W71 16.581
STEP 4: Return to campground and show off meat. We highly recommend one full rack of beef ribs, one medium-sized lamb and one small pig. Leave meat out to thaw, but do NOT leave unattended.
Note that leaving it with drunk overlanders counts as leaving it unattended. Post photos on Facebook to convince others to come help eat this ridiculous amount of meat.
STEP 5: Send stealthiest overlanders to acquire huge amounts of wood. Give them a budget of 100 pesos and tell them they can spend the change on booze. When large piles of wood arrive from suspicious sources, don't ask questions.
STEP 6: Go to the hardware store and buy angle iron and rebar. Find overlander with baling wire and a hacksaw and assemble meat crucifixes.
STEP 7: Find spare cardboard and permanent marker and appoint a Marketing Director. Find a central location for the Overland Swap Meet and install signage. Put all the stuff of your husband's that you hate into the swap meet. Keep him distracted with beer while others claim it for their own. Pro tip: Dead car batteries and dull rusted machetes can be donated to the groundskeeper.
AND NOW FOR... THE DAY OF THE ROAST
STEP 8: Chop firewood noisily when the sun is rising. Make sure to wake up even the most hungover overlanders. Gotta get that meat on the fire!
STEP 9: Appoint head chef. Make him coffee. Watch as he expertly affixes 22 beautiful pounds of beef ribs to a crucifix with nothin' but a pair of pliers. Put the ribs on the fire as early as possible.
STEP 10: Make head chef a second cup of coffee. Watch again as he wires our cute little piglet (named Petunia) to a second crucifix.
STEP 11: Use nearby ax to secure Petunia over the fire. Crowds will begin to gather. Set the ground rules for meat watching.
Rule #1: Someone must be around the fire at all times to keep the dogs away.
*hangry = hungry + angry
STEP 12: Find overlander with red apple. Spend 20 very entertaining minutes trying to stuff the apple in the pig mouth. Wire and pliers may not be used.
STEP 13: Bring out the lamb! Secure to the stake. Try to prevent lamb-tastrophe's like what happened in El Calafate by securing meat in the center of the stake.
STEP 14: Assemble appetizer table. Start early and replenish often. Hangry overlanders are not nice overlanders.
STEP 15: Start drinkin! Or continue drinking. Really, do whatever you want, just make sure that booze is involved.
STEP 16: Sit around the fire and talk shit while waiting for the meat to cook.
Pro tip: Sitting in unknown manky-ass chairs that have traveled 25,000 miles on the back of a 4Runner is an at-risk activity.
STEP 17: Tell the chef and sous chef to flip the beef ribs. Make snarky comments about what the sous chef is doing with the rack of meat and why he keeps saying "pound it harder."
STEP 18: Another overlander will inevitable explain the previous comments visually by attempting to dry hump Petunia the pig. Take photos. Save for blackmail later in life.
STEP 19: Oogle the meat trifecta. Pro tip: Flare ups (i.e. uncontrollable flames caused by huge amouns of fat lighting on fire), are best dealt with by South Africans. Always have on hand in case of an emergency. P.s. Thanks Graeme!
STEP 20: Setup group photo. Attempt to take several photos with self timers, then realize that's a stupid idea and instead convince an innocent looking Argentinian to take at least 5 photos with a dozen different cameras. Pro tip: Make sure all overlanders are actually present before assembling the photo.
STEP 21: Cover Petunia's ears with foil to prevent burning. Singed pig hair really doesn't smell nice, also the ears are best un-blackened.
STEP 22: While warding off hunger pains, meditate over the beauty of a fat-cicle. Or maybe it's a fat-stalagmite. Either way, resist urges to save it for breakfast.
STEP 23: Take the meat off the fire and start carving it up. Do not touch the meat on the table or the chef will take fingers off. Trust me, that's not an empty threat.
STEP 24: Pose for photos with huge meaty beef ribs and surrounding giagantic dogs that are now permanent residents at the campfire.
STEP 25: EAT! Do not pause to breate. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Pro tip: Slow down when the meat sweats set in. Otherwise there will be no room for dessert.
STEP 26: Turn small cooking fire into huge campfire. Attempt to have coherent conversations until the meat coma takes over. Passing out in your chair is perfectly acceptable.
Author's Note: A huge shout out to all you crazy friends that showed up and helped out at this event. Home on the Highway, Lost World Expedition, Adventure Americas, Capitol Southbound, Kontraer, Anywhere That's Wild, A2A, and to everyone else without websites: Anita, Martin, Thomas, Angela, Winston, and that sketchy Argentinian bastard that kept drinkin' all our wine.
Always remember the Badass Bariloche Bovine Bonaza!